Listening to a lot of Los Panchos recently. I like listening while I write, and listening on my way to work. It makes me stew less during my commute. They also make me dream of slow dancing with a past lover, which makes me mourn the loss of our relationship. She is still my muse and forever will be.
My boss, Bugs, and one of my kids, Eleanor, are dancing around our weekly closing campfire. Bugs has had a very bad week, refusing to take her sunglasses off so no one could see her start to cry periodically. Eleanor is a very anxious child. She loves camp but worries about spiders, loud noises, and dirt. She gets hung up on little things, like cheating during games or her comic book not turning out right. But, despite their anxieties, the two are dancing and singing louder than everyone else. I mention to Eleanor later, that I do not think I am that good at my job. She said, “You’re a great art teacher. No negative self-talk. I think I am better at making others feel better than making myself feel better”. She is much too anxious and much too aware at twelve years old. She reminds me of myself, which brings me great joy and great worry. Maybe this is just a peek into parenthood.
Been getting really into ham and cheese sandwiches due to forgetting to pack a lunch every day and raiding the walk-in fridge. I think it is the reason I have been so constipated recently.
I asked a coworker last week, “Are you slaying dragons today?”. Obviously, she did not understand. My father, every day when I came home from school would ask, “Slay any dragons today?”, meaning; Did you kick butt today? did you complete any tasks today? learn anything new? After explaining, my coworker decided she really enjoyed the term. Throughout the rest of the day, she would state she has her sword in hand and is ready to slay more dragons.
Sometimes, my co-worker Sky and I will drop bits and pieces of our off-season lives to others we work with, and it is always met with some version of, “Oh wow. You are really different outside of camp. Your life is wild.” No one should ever say this to me. It goes straight to my brain and I feel even more like Jessa from Girls. (If you have not seen Lena Dunham’s Girls on HBO, please drop what you’re doing and watch it. It is the most millennial, cringy, funny, amazing, and life-changing show.)
My grandmother and I drove to Columbus and back late on a Saturday night. I talked to her about my life and my friends. I mentioned a boy or two. “I feel like he is not just a friend. Is he just a friend?” I explained it is not the most platonic relationship but, I think, at the end of the day, we are just friends. She chided me. I also explained that I struggle with being empathetic and that people think I am a hard-ass. “You got that from me. Sorry. All the women in our family are like that, I think.” I agreed. As much as my grandmother and I are very different people and I have a distaste for her evangelical nature, I think we are the same deep down.
I made the mistake, again, of stalking a girl’s Instagram. She is an interest’s interest. As all Instagram stalks go, I then wanted to tear off my skin and be a new person. I think she has a boygirlfriend thing. She probably plays little significance in the larger picture of my life, but now I think about her stupid boobs and her stupid bangs all the time. And, of course, she is a musician. Of course, her voice is beautiful. KILL ME NOW!!
Last night (July 13), my ex messaged me on Instagram. This was not a chill ex-boyfriend. Every once in a while, he will message me with some dumb Instagram post or stupid thought. Every time, it feels like I summoned the message by dwelling too long on thoughts of him the day before. It does make me angry that he is not so deeply ashamed of his actions that he would never message me ever again. But, such is life. No one is ashamed and nobody cares. These messages used to send me into some kind of spiral, but I feel like I have surrounded myself with kind and safe men long enough that I have rewired my brain into not being so scared all the time.
At our closing campfire during our overnights at work, we sing a bunch of songs and do skits and whatnot. If you were ever a Girl Scout, you get the gist. Our ending song, Say When, is always one I never enjoy in the moment because I just want to get the girls to go to bed, but, I think it is beautiful. Here is a verse; Say when, will we ever meet again? Say when, my friend, say when. Say where, and I'll meet you right there. Say where, my friend, say where.
For the chronically online, I HIGHLY recommend digging through Levi and William’s videos on TikTok. They’re this beautiful couple who love each other. They get me out of a funk. In a very parasocial way, I feel like they are my friends and mentors. I once said that they reminded me of a certain gentleman and I behind closed doors. I still stand by that, but my boobs aren’t as big as hers and he is not 6’4”. Also, we aren’t together in any way, shape, or form. Maybe that’s the more important part to mention.
July is slowly wrapping up. In a week, my job will be over and real life begins. This is the first night in a while I feel good. Excited and thrilled and antsy to take care of myself again. I’ll admit, I haven’t showered in several days. At least tonight, I am oiling my hair and plucking my eyebrows.
I got a tattoo. It’s a trout. It is awesome. I listened to my Ibiza Twink Club playlist to get through the pain. I was not a baby about it, but believe me, I was throwing a tantrum internally. Of course, I was getting it as my roommate texted my rent was going to be due earlier than I was anticipating. Fuck my stupid baka life.
For as long as I remember, my grandpa owned motorcycles. He gets newer, cooler ones every year. I always hop on the back and he asks, “City or country?”, I always respond with country. We drive around the farmland backroads near Mad River as the sun sets. It is beautiful and grounding. I love my family. I love you, dearest reader.
Attached is my ongoing recommendation playlist for my subtack. Check her out.
my grandpa used to pick me up from school on his purple motorcycle and i felt like the coolest girl in the world !!!! how lucky you are to have those memories !!! please cherish ♡
and i cannot wait to see the tattoo